Tuesday, April 28, 2015

A Letter He Will Never Read

2 years ago, when I met you, I never imagined we would be here. I never imagined we would go through so much together. I never imagined that I would need you as much as I did. Most of all, though, I never imagined that I would fall in love with you.
“Different time, different place.” That’s what you always said to me…before, anyway. Before you fell in love with me.
You called me that Sunday morning and poured your heart out, telling me everything – your feelings, your thoughts, your plans for your…our future. I listened and though some part of me knew better, I believed it all. Every word. Every “I love you.” Everything.
I can’t remember when exactly I fell for you, and honestly, I don’t want to. I think if I knew when it happened, I would hate myself for ever getting to that moment. I gave everything to you. I shared my secrets with you, things I have never told anyone else, and will probably never share again. “Put all of your burdens on me. You shouldn’t have to carry these things with you. Let me do it.” When you said that to me, I trusted you enough to do it. I let everything fall onto you, and you carried it all…you’re still carrying it all. I love you even more for that.
I love you. And that’s where it ends. I can’t be with you. I can’t marry you like you’ve asked, and start a life in Alaska. I can’t.
You have so much to figure out in your own life, I can’t imagine trying to fit myself into it. We’ve given each other plenty of grief and just as much grace, but my sweet, this isn’t what being in love is supposed to feel like. You lie, you keep secrets, you hide things from me. I am open and overly honest with everyone, but I make an extra effort to be like that with you. Completely transparent, because I don’t want anything to come as a surprise to you and break you the way I have been broken by you. I tell you everything to protect you, though some of these things will hurt for a while.
Since the day I met you, people have said I have a light in my eyes when I speak of you. They aren’t wrong. I met you during the darkest time of my life, and suddenly, there you were, lighting up my world like no one ever had before or has since. I’ll never meet anyone like you again; I know that as a fact. You are my everything, and you always will be. The thing is that I want to be happy. I want someone to love me the way I love them. I know you love me as much as I love you, but you don’t show it like I do. You don’t make an effort. And I want you to be happy, but knowing you so well has led me to realize that you never will be, and that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with what is going on inside you. Who you are. What you are.
I think you enjoy knowing that you can manipulate me, that there isn’t a goddamn thing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. What you have taken from me far outweighs what I have given you. I wish I could look in you in the eye just once and have you see me. Not see me in the sense that I am there, but see me in the sense that you know we can never be. I want you to see what you have done to me. I want you to see me and believe me when I tell you I want you in my life. Though in an entirely different capacity than we are used to, I do want you around. Your hugs are my favourite, and always will be.  You, Cody Wayne…you will always be my favourite. I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll never stop hoping for the best for you. I’ll never love someone the way that I love you.
2 years ago, when I met you, I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to fall in love with you. I never meant to need you. I never meant to depend on you. I never meant to want a life with you by my side. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to let you hurt me.
But I meant everything I’ve ever said to you.