Thursday, May 17, 2012

Courage, Robert.

The last year of my life has been the most thrilling year, but it’s also been the most disappointing year. I’ve always pictured myself with a good man and a couple of kids by the time I turned 25, but the closer and closer 25 gets, the farther and farther that picture seems.

[#1] This time last year, I was toward the end of a very stupid relationship. It wasn’t always stupid, but when the only words between the two of you for months are “Goodnight and I love you,” it’s hard to even call it a relationship. From the very beginning, everyone told me how bad of an idea it was to one - be in a long distance relationship, and two - be with someone who could never actually handle me in real life. Then there was the whole part where everyone said I was totally out of his league…which I was/am, but that was never even a factor to me. I was madly in love with this Irish fellow, and there was nothing in the world that was going to bring me down from that. Not a thing…until I started being ignored because he was “working so much.” Son, there is not a job in the world that you have to be at so much that you can’t take 15 seconds to send me a text message a few times a day. But all I said was okay, and I tried harder. I put all the love and effort that I had into making my relationship work, while he was getting busy with someone else for most of the time that we were together. Fantastic. So then we broke up, and I met someone.

[#2] I met someone who I would never usually give a second look, but there was something about him that just had me hooked. Months went by, where I just waited for things to get serious, but they never did. Not with me, anyway. He got serious with someone else, broke my heart, and I was left to my own devices to find my own serious someone. After both of those things dissolved, we found our way back to each other, and there I was again, waiting. I tried my best to make things happen, but he just wasn’t having it. Then one day, he told me he loved me, and I said “…oh.” Oh. I SAID OH. Who does that?! All of this time spent waiting for this dude, and I said oh. Then about a month or so later, I told him that I loved him. His response? Long story short… “I was drunk when I said that. I didn’t mean it. I don’t love you.” Awesome. Go me, letting him break my heart a second time. Want to know just how stupid I am, though? I let him do it again, for a third time. THREE TIMES I let this guy into my life and into my heart, and three times, he ruined absolutely everything. This last time, though. That was it for me. He told me that he’s falling in love with someone else, and right then and there, I realized that I am so much better off moving on and that I no longer needed to try with him and I no longer needed to do anything nice for him and I no longer needed him.

[#3] But for the last three years or so, someone has been holding my heart in the palm of his hand. Waiting. And while I was out falling for all of these dudes who don’t deserve any of my love, much less all of it…I was doing to him exactly what Mister #2 was doing to me, and I didn’t even realize it until Mister #2 had broken my heart for the third damned time. So I’ve been making plans and I’ve been making promises, and I have very single intention of spending the rest of my life with this man, because I don’t need anyone else. Last October, I was going through something really crappy, and he was the only person in the world who was there for me, and that should’ve been enough to make me realize that he’s the only one I need. He’s the only one that’s going to love me, and take care of me, and hold me down when things get crazy.

On another note…James, thank you for being there for me through all of this, and through everything else that I’ve been through in the last few years. I don’t think that I would’ve made it to where I am today without all of your love and support, and I don’t think that you could ever really understand how thankful I am to have you in my life.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Upcoming Blogs...

More of a list for myself, because I keep losing the one I wrote on paper. Duh.

-10 Notes
-10 Recipes
-50 Things In My Room
-Making A New Start
-These Three Things
-Seven Things
-My Accomplished List