Sunday, November 28, 2010

It Gets Better [The Blog Version]

I was going to make an It Gets Better video, but my clarity is much more precise when I'm writing, not talking. So, this is me doing my small part in the It Gets Better movement. To steal a quote from Meghan Tonjes, who stole it from Joss Whedon: "Others can't see your pain. because they're too busy drowning in their own." That was my problem for a very long time. I was too caught up in my own problems to give a damn about anyone else's. My home life was unsatisfying. I couldn't have cared less about anyone else. Everything was about me and all the things that I was going through. I didn't know what empathy was. I still have a hard time with it. I knew what love was. I knew that my family loved me and that I loved them. I knew that, no matter what, they'd be there. But that didn't stop me from making some awful decisions.

When I was ten years old, I had my first sexual experience, and it was with a girl who happened to be my best friend. She started telling people, and those people told people, and so on and so on, until everyone knew. Then, all anyone wanted to do was fix me. The problem is, I wasn't broken. I was coming into myself, and I was doing it in a way that made a lot of people hate me. I was called every name you could think of, and then some. I never told anyone to stop, so it kept going. All through middle school, I was teased. Freshman year of high school, we moved here, to Texas. The night before my first day of school here, I swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills, along with 30 Roxies. I was done. I couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't imagine being reamed the way I had been, in a new school. I went to bed expecting to die. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to have to worry about who knew what or who was telling who what. The next morning, I woke up. I woke up as though it were any other day. I tossed the pill bottles in the garbage and went on with my life, never telling a soul what I had tried to do. I started school and fell back into my cycle. I slept with everyone: teachers, principals, classmates. Hell, I even got the captain of the varsity football team. More than once, too. Not to mention the cheerleaders. Word got around that I got around, with girls, guys, and whoever the hell else I could get my hands on. Then, the teasing and snarky remarks began again.

In English class one day, I walked in on a huge debate as to whether I was bisexual or just a plain ol' lesbian. They had pretty much decided that it was the latter. I never told anyone otherwise, so nobody knew any better than to believe what others told them. I stopped caring about what they were saying and started caring about me. Sure, I got around, so this isn't the best It Gets Better story ever, but it's got the same gist to it. Once I stopped worrying about what people thought of me, I became a different person. I was glad to be who I was, and I am glad to be who I am. I'm glad that I didn't die that night, because had I, I wouldn't be content with everything in my life. I wouldn't be here right now, telling you that if you want to be with a girl, go for it, and if you want to be with a guy, go for it. It doesn't matter what you do or who you do it with. You can't be comfortable externally if you're not comfortable internally. Love yourself and everything that you are. Don't let other people define you. Adages and clich├ęs exist for a reason. You can't love someone else until you love yourself. Do that and you can do anything.

Stay Gold.

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