Friday, August 27, 2010

When To Let Go And When To Hold On

This is going to be a strange blog, I’m sure. Letting go. Easy enough, right? Wrong. I’ve always had a problem with keeping things around - things that I no longer need. Sometimes, those things are people. I know I recently talked about ridding my life of those people, but there are a few people that I don’t know how to let go of. Someone who I thought to be my best friend has moved on, so why can’t I? Why can’t I just do what she did? She’s on to bigger and better things, and I’m stuck on what used to be. This would be the time to let go.

I think there is a very small, but significant, difference between devastation and heartbreak. I recently experienced the latter. I found some things out about a certain person, who I trusted and who I thought valued me as a person, that made me realize I couldn’t have been more wrong... This, too, would be the time to let go.

One thing that I’ll always believe in is this: There are very few people in my life who deserve a second chance. When it comes down to it, those are the people who will be there for me, no matter what. My friend Cortney, or Jane, as some of you may know her, and I had quite the falling-out a little over a year ago. It was weird not having her around for a couple of months, but when she came to me and apologized for whatever it was that had ended our friendship, I was so thankful. I was thankful because, deep down inside, I knew that she was one of those people. I knew that she and I were going to be friends for a very long time. I knew that I needed her in my life. As little as we see each other, those are times that I hold near and dear. This is the time to hold on.

I recently deleted my personal Facebook account. I had been questioning my decision to even have one for quite some time. When I made it, I was thinking that I’d be able to connect with my friends from school, especially the friends that I had moved away from. Friends. That’s a funny word for me now. I had about 600 friends on that account. People that I had known throughout school. People that I thought were my friends. Granted, there were a few who I know were/are my friends, but for the most part, nobody on there’s going to miss me. This would be the time to say “Fuck you, go die.”

Something that you may or may not know about me is that I was the shy, quiet kid in school. I mean, I knew everyone, but to them, I didn’t matter. I didn’t count. I got lucky, though, with the friends that I did have. During high school, anyway. You see, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like. If you’re friends with the football team, you’re treated like fucking royalty around here. I was hot shit. But only for the purpose of giving people the grounds to say that they knew me, therefore being guarded by the unspoken You Don’t Fuck With The Football Players’ Friends Policy. So, after school had ended, they didn’t need me anymore. They were all on to bigger and (supposedly) better things. Yet another time to let go.

You may have read about my discontentment with my sister. She called me the other day and said “Hey, I’m in the ER.” This would be the point when most people flip their fucking shit. To be honest, I would’ve acted more compassionately to a stranger calling me and telling me that. I didn’t care. I didn’t ask why. Sure, it makes me look like a bitch, amongst other horrible things, but that’s okay. I don’t get why she thinks she can just call me and tell me that, and expect me to care or fell sorry for her. She was in the ER, so what? She’s a piece of shit, as far as I’m concerned, and until she realizes that, she could die and I probably wouldn’t feel anything. I hate her THAT much. This is the time to say “Get your big head out of your fat ass and get a kung-fu grip on reality.”

I know this was kind of all over the place, because I wrote it over a few days, so forgive me if none of this really makes sense. And I mean that, because, after reading it back to myself, even I’m confused. Oh, and pardon any grammatical errors. I'm too tired to edit. :)

Stay Gold.

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