Sunday, June 21, 2015

Let's Talk About It

A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog entry on my other blog about mental illness., if you're interested.

In the comment section, there's one that really bugs me. It's from my mother, who I mentioned in the post due to her tendencies. In it she says something along the lines of "Oh, thanks for telling me, I didn't know I'm bipolar." Right now she is sitting in her bathroom having an episode that can only be described as intensely manic. She acts out, she has uncontrollable rage, she cries over nothing quite a lot. The reason I don't want to have kids is because she did. I'm here. My three siblings are here. She's bipolar/manic depressive, and so are all four of us. If I have children who turn out like my two younger siblings, my rage may get the best of me. Birth control is my preemptive strike. On top of being bipolar, my brother is also a drug addict. Cocaine, crack, heroin, xanax bars, methamphetamines, marijuana, just about anything he can get to. He got my little sister to do heroin and smoke assorted substances with him multiple times. They've both been to jail for it, and neither of them will stop. As adults, that choice is theirs to make. As bipolar/manic depressive diagnosees, it's a choice they should not be making.

My mother refuses to medicate herself, and frequently has these episodes of rage, tears, and eventually vomiting until she passes out or her body just tires out, whichever comes first. "The meds make me tired." She takes a generic Xanax whenever she feels like she may get emotional over something. What that mean is it doesn't have the time to do its job and to help her. So she still has her episodes.

I've watched countless shows and movies, read countless books about the children of bipolar/manic mothers, and the common thing I've found between them all is that the children eventually learn that there is nothing they can do. If you say or do something, it can be a trigger. If you don't say or do something, it can be a trigger. Our actions or non-actions have no bearing on our mothers' reactions. I learned this early on. My two younger siblings still try to fight it. My older sister is 1500 miles away dealing with her own bipolar depression and doesn't speak to any of us anymore.  I can only hope that my sweet nephew inherits his father's tendencies, aside from the "being a cheating liar" part.

I have panic attacks maybe once a week, anxiety attacks very rarely happen to me, and my emotions have no range, only very defined ends. When I do "feel", I am either incredibly happy or in an uncontrollable rage. 90% of the time, however, I am completely stoic and non-verbal. I deactivated my Favebook last Thanksgiving, and it was more of a blessing than intended. I've been using snapchat quite a bit, and it's made me be more talkative and made me feel more than I ever have. I even posted a 400+ second story the other day! I love myself, and I have my manic attributes under control. This is something that I hope to one day be able to say about the rest of my family.

There wasn't much of a point to this, more just me putting it into words. If you read this far, thank you. It really means something to me.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

A Letter He Will Never Read

2 years ago, when I met you, I never imagined we would be here. I never imagined we would go through so much together. I never imagined that I would need you as much as I did. Most of all, though, I never imagined that I would fall in love with you.
“Different time, different place.” That’s what you always said to me…before, anyway. Before you fell in love with me.
You called me that Sunday morning and poured your heart out, telling me everything – your feelings, your thoughts, your plans for your…our future. I listened and though some part of me knew better, I believed it all. Every word. Every “I love you.” Everything.
I can’t remember when exactly I fell for you, and honestly, I don’t want to. I think if I knew when it happened, I would hate myself for ever getting to that moment. I gave everything to you. I shared my secrets with you, things I have never told anyone else, and will probably never share again. “Put all of your burdens on me. You shouldn’t have to carry these things with you. Let me do it.” When you said that to me, I trusted you enough to do it. I let everything fall onto you, and you carried it all…you’re still carrying it all. I love you even more for that.
I love you. And that’s where it ends. I can’t be with you. I can’t marry you like you’ve asked, and start a life in Alaska. I can’t.
You have so much to figure out in your own life, I can’t imagine trying to fit myself into it. We’ve given each other plenty of grief and just as much grace, but my sweet, this isn’t what being in love is supposed to feel like. You lie, you keep secrets, you hide things from me. I am open and overly honest with everyone, but I make an extra effort to be like that with you. Completely transparent, because I don’t want anything to come as a surprise to you and break you the way I have been broken by you. I tell you everything to protect you, though some of these things will hurt for a while.
Since the day I met you, people have said I have a light in my eyes when I speak of you. They aren’t wrong. I met you during the darkest time of my life, and suddenly, there you were, lighting up my world like no one ever had before or has since. I’ll never meet anyone like you again; I know that as a fact. You are my everything, and you always will be. The thing is that I want to be happy. I want someone to love me the way I love them. I know you love me as much as I love you, but you don’t show it like I do. You don’t make an effort. And I want you to be happy, but knowing you so well has led me to realize that you never will be, and that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with what is going on inside you. Who you are. What you are.
I think you enjoy knowing that you can manipulate me, that there isn’t a goddamn thing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. What you have taken from me far outweighs what I have given you. I wish I could look in you in the eye just once and have you see me. Not see me in the sense that I am there, but see me in the sense that you know we can never be. I want you to see what you have done to me. I want you to see me and believe me when I tell you I want you in my life. Though in an entirely different capacity than we are used to, I do want you around. Your hugs are my favourite, and always will be.  You, Cody Wayne…you will always be my favourite. I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll never stop hoping for the best for you. I’ll never love someone the way that I love you.
2 years ago, when I met you, I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to fall in love with you. I never meant to need you. I never meant to depend on you. I never meant to want a life with you by my side. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to let you hurt me.
But I meant everything I’ve ever said to you.

Monday, June 10, 2013

DJ, Turn It Down.

Two years ago today, my heart was broken by an absolute coward of a man who spent most of our relationship lying to me and cheating on me.

"I can't be your boyfriend anymore."

That was it. That was the text I got that ended our time together.

There's a line from some song I heard a while ago that stuck with me:

"Until now, he told me her name. It sounded familiar in a way. I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times, if only i had been listening..."

He had been cheating on me with his best friend for the better part of our relationship. Megan was her name, and they're still together. Good for them, I guess. Assholes deserve assholes. When I found out about her, I asked him why he didn't just break up with me. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me.

Hello, jackwagon. This shit hurt a lot fucking worse than just breaking up with me would have. Dumbass.

Anyway. Sometimes, it's almost like that year of my life never even happened. I think about him, but I don't really remember him. All I remember is the lesson he taught me - You can love someone with all of your heart, but make sure you hurt them before they hurt you.

Douglas Scott Batchler, Jr., I wish I could hurt you the way that you hurt me. In fact, I hope someone does someday. I hope you fall so far in love with some girl, and that she fucking destroys you, just for the hell of it. And then I want to high five the ever-loving shit out of that woman.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

10 Rules I Just Made Up

One: If you complain about your job, quit your job. Also, quit bitching.

Two: When you get to that point in your day when you're just plain tired, suck it up. We all get tired.

Three: I don't drive slowly. I wanna go fast. Get the heck out of my way.

Four: Don't talk about people. If you must, however, don't bitch out and deny you did it when they find out. Own that shit.

Five: Girls don't poop. (I actually made this up a long time ago. But still.)

Six: Once you forget someone's birthday, you can forget them because they don't matter anymore.

Seven: It is not boot season, ladies. I do not want to see you wearing boots until mid-October.

Eight: When in doubt, ask questions.

Nine: Don't make-out in public. Just...don't.

Ten: It's never okay for siblings to add your crushes/potentials on Facebook. Never.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

10 Things Every Girl Should Have

1. A clean set of sheets, because spilled nail polish and midnight laziness do not mix well.

2. Two pairs of her favourite jeans.

3. An accomplished list, because a to-do list is just bullshit to face sometimes.

4. A countdown to something fantastic.

5. A man to play with her hair.

6. Diamond stud earrings, because...just because.

7. A favourite or rotating motivational quote, pinned to her wall or taped to her mirror.

8. A pair of those new fangled roll-up flats, in her purse, glovebox, lovebox, or wherever she'll always have them.

9. A weekend away each month.

10. An extra bottle of shampoo. Or at least dry shampoo, so you can still look clean, but we all know you're lazy, forgetful, and disgusting today.

Next up: 5 Things All Men SHOULD Do, and 5 Things I NEED My Man To Do.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

10 Things He's Taught Me About Myself

-It's okay for me to laugh hysterically in public.
-Forgiveness is something that I dole out far too often.
-I get too protective.
-I hold grudges like it's nobody's business.
-I take care of people who don't take care of me, and that's becoming a problem.
-I get very frustrated very easily.
-I'm too outspoken sometimes, but most of the time, it's a good thing.
-I hate being the center of a group's attention, but having one person's entire focus is something I enjoy.
-I have to stop being afraid.
-I'm very judgemental of people I don't know, and even more so of people I do know.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Courage, Robert.

The last year of my life has been the most thrilling year, but it’s also been the most disappointing year. I’ve always pictured myself with a good man and a couple of kids by the time I turned 25, but the closer and closer 25 gets, the farther and farther that picture seems.

[#1] This time last year, I was toward the end of a very stupid relationship. It wasn’t always stupid, but when the only words between the two of you for months are “Goodnight and I love you,” it’s hard to even call it a relationship. From the very beginning, everyone told me how bad of an idea it was to one - be in a long distance relationship, and two - be with someone who could never actually handle me in real life. Then there was the whole part where everyone said I was totally out of his league…which I was/am, but that was never even a factor to me. I was madly in love with this Irish fellow, and there was nothing in the world that was going to bring me down from that. Not a thing…until I started being ignored because he was “working so much.” Son, there is not a job in the world that you have to be at so much that you can’t take 15 seconds to send me a text message a few times a day. But all I said was okay, and I tried harder. I put all the love and effort that I had into making my relationship work, while he was getting busy with someone else for most of the time that we were together. Fantastic. So then we broke up, and I met someone.

[#2] I met someone who I would never usually give a second look, but there was something about him that just had me hooked. Months went by, where I just waited for things to get serious, but they never did. Not with me, anyway. He got serious with someone else, broke my heart, and I was left to my own devices to find my own serious someone. After both of those things dissolved, we found our way back to each other, and there I was again, waiting. I tried my best to make things happen, but he just wasn’t having it. Then one day, he told me he loved me, and I said “…oh.” Oh. I SAID OH. Who does that?! All of this time spent waiting for this dude, and I said oh. Then about a month or so later, I told him that I loved him. His response? Long story short… “I was drunk when I said that. I didn’t mean it. I don’t love you.” Awesome. Go me, letting him break my heart a second time. Want to know just how stupid I am, though? I let him do it again, for a third time. THREE TIMES I let this guy into my life and into my heart, and three times, he ruined absolutely everything. This last time, though. That was it for me. He told me that he’s falling in love with someone else, and right then and there, I realized that I am so much better off moving on and that I no longer needed to try with him and I no longer needed to do anything nice for him and I no longer needed him.

[#3] But for the last three years or so, someone has been holding my heart in the palm of his hand. Waiting. And while I was out falling for all of these dudes who don’t deserve any of my love, much less all of it…I was doing to him exactly what Mister #2 was doing to me, and I didn’t even realize it until Mister #2 had broken my heart for the third damned time. So I’ve been making plans and I’ve been making promises, and I have very single intention of spending the rest of my life with this man, because I don’t need anyone else. Last October, I was going through something really crappy, and he was the only person in the world who was there for me, and that should’ve been enough to make me realize that he’s the only one I need. He’s the only one that’s going to love me, and take care of me, and hold me down when things get crazy.

On another note…James, thank you for being there for me through all of this, and through everything else that I’ve been through in the last few years. I don’t think that I would’ve made it to where I am today without all of your love and support, and I don’t think that you could ever really understand how thankful I am to have you in my life.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Upcoming Blogs...

More of a list for myself, because I keep losing the one I wrote on paper. Duh.

-10 Notes
-10 Recipes
-50 Things In My Room
-Making A New Start
-These Three Things
-Seven Things
-My Accomplished List

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I'm (Not) Sorry...

I'm a big fan of Gibbs' Rule #6: Never apologize. And I don't. Well...I do, just very rarely. So, I've decided to compile a list of things that I am indeed sorry for, along with a list of things that I'm not sorry for.

I'm sorry...
-that sometimes, I throw huge fits over things, like the soap being on the wrong side of the sink.
-for not shaving my legs before the company Christmas party, and still wearing that short little dress.
-that my heart got broken too many times last year.
-for making Fireman's life a lot more difficult than it needs to be.
-for wearing dirty socks to work...more than once.
-for eating two donuts last Saturday, one of them being the last one in the box.
-that I wore two different perfumes at the same time...also more than once.
-for not blogging more often.
-that my car gets really disgusting really quickly.
-that I stopped going to my meetings, and that I relapsed pretty hard.
-that I don't read as many books as I should.

I'm not sorry...
-for tweeting so much.
-for being so forward with people.
-for giving my virginity to a guy that I had only met two hours before. <-Life lesson.
-that I just don't want to talk to people sometimes.
-for being really good at telling people what emotions they do/don't get to feel/have at any given time.
-that I have chicken at least 5 nights a week.
-for keeping my private life private.
-for creeping on Facebook.
-that I sometimes have to scratch my butt.
-for wearing sunglasses over my actual glasses.
-that I ate an entire bag of pumpkin seeds in one day.
-that I'll wear old make-up if I run out of mine as I'm getting ready.
-for listening to Yelawolf pretty much non-stop.
-that I use my boobies to get free stuff.

Stay Gold.

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Sunday, March 4, 2012

Seven Things

1. Sometimes, silence is more of a comfort than any words you could offer.

2. Any amount of time spent with the one you love, be it a minute or a lifetime, is something that should absolutely be cherished, every single time.

3. Trust os one of the hardest things to earn, so once you have someone's, you'd better hang onto it with all that you've got.

4. There's always something to look forward to.

5. Bad things, awful things, tragic things - they happen, but very rarely is it something that we can't get through.

6. Traveling alone isn't as terrifying as I thought it would be.

7. When their feelings are hurt, most people don't mean a single word that they say.

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